Remember the days the scars were so deep you couldn’t stop the bleeding.
I’ve been defeated in many ways before, countless amount of times, something that people just can’t seem to understand, the sleepless nights thinking about things, about how my life will plan out, or the most scary thing; not even imagining or ‘seeing’ a week from now, seeing no future at all.
The depression worsens as these thoughts continue, breaking me down, breaking me more and more each day, as it’s tormenting, it torments you in a way, waves at you as it goes by as if, ‘hey look at me, I’m fucking up your life, your future, you’re relationship and that possibility of being happy, and there is nothing you can do about it.
The anxiety it causes, but thinking you are going to loose everything, everything not being your possessions or your career, but thy one thing; that one person you care most about, that one thing that keeps you going, keeps your eyes focused, that one thing that can make you smile and gives you a will to get up in the morning. It’s those dreams I’m afraid of; those nightmares, not the thoughts of not getting anywhere in life, but the thought that I may loose everything I’ve only ever cared about, the thing I’ve loved and cared for this deeply.
That thing that is your EVERYTHING.
Yeah it overwhelming, it breaks you down.
I’ve been Defeated yeah, but this, never like this.
The defeat that I don’t even have energy to even fight it for the ones I love most.
I’m looking death in it’s face welcoming it in anyway that it must. I’ve shaken hands with him so many times.
I just can seem to perish.
So what am I doing here if life continues to play out this way?
Am I a peripheral, a morbid piece of a bigger plan that I’m needed for? To show someone something, or is there actually a plan for me?
What the fuck am I doing ?
What must I do to rid of this, firstly of the dreams, then the suffering.
I don’t mind the sleeplessness, that gives you a different perspective on life each and everyday you philosophize with yourself, you study and learn more and more about yourself.
I’ve tried everything, heaps and heaps of antidepressants to keep me going, sleeping tablets and even xanex type medication for the anxiety. Is that all for show? It doesn’t truly help.
Not even the self medicative motivation or the ones that compliment you on even waking in the morning seems to even touch or point in the direction of positivity. The illicit nature of the demons that come, and not even push or shove you into the darkness, but the ones that drag you there. Scraping your knees and gaining scars getting to the darkness. Th energy exerted fighting not to get there. That is enough to break the strongest of people.
And yet I’m meant to have the energy to fight my way back, after all of that exerted fighting not to get there.
It takes a lot more to get back out of there, to find your feet again when you’ve hit rock bottom and started to dig.
And the hardest thing to do; to smile at the ones you love and say ‘I’m alright’ to keep them from the worry, so they don’t think at every moment that ‘I may never see him again’ just to keep them smiling at you.
The energy it takes to even keep a strait face, or to not look into their eyes; because you can’t, you can’t seem to look into their eyes without with everything in you hold back the tears or the immediate breakdown that follows just that second of eye contact, the vulnerability. That hurts. Takes so much of you.
Every time you break down, it’s as if a piece of your soul disappears, falls apart.
And what’s even more fucked up is, you become more vulnerable. You don’t harden up, you don’t form a better protective layer.
What’s fucked up is that you become a better person, luring in people, questions, conversations and unwanted attention.
Your smile become so perfect from the practice that it draws people.
Why do we evolve in the direction that will destroy us quicker.
Is this another game the demons are playing with our souls. Oppression in the form of care and love?!
Or is this just another, you’re part of the bigger picture, as a lesson to others, where your life’s meaning is only in the lessons that others can learn, when you are suffering in the distance, drowning more and more each time.
I’m tired, I am so very tired.
I don’t see myself a year from now, not even a month from now, not a week.
I know what is to come in the near future but it feels like they’re just becoming millstones, ‘oh you’ve made it through another time of hardship that may be your last’.
The cycle that ceases to stop, that just carries on.
I cannot do this any longer.
I cannot keep fighting.
The secret is, I am one of those demons of oppression. I am my own worst enemy.
The depression, oh that’s a side effect. Oh all the shit that is to come and that has passed.
What to do from now?
I guess fight, give it all I have until I run empty, dry like an oasis that has lost all it’s trees. Like an ant that has lost it’s way from it’s hill and dies alone because the pheromones, the thing that is keeping him grounded has distance or seemed to have disappeared.
Why am I doing this ?